Ce--le-brate good times, C'mon!!

Sharing a few pics from Evan's party yesterday- beautiful day with great company!  I was nervous how Evan would react to a house full of people since he has been having fears of strangers lately combined with separation anxiety- not wanting to let go of mama!  I have to secretly admit I do like this phase- the holding onto Mommy for dear life, clinging to my neck for security.  I remember that was the one thing I longed for when Mike and I were going through those torturous years of infertility.  Being the only person they wanted, the only one who could make the pain and worry go away.

Anyway, back to the party- Evan did really well with everyone and managed to get two good naps in as well- that can be difficult on a quiet day!

We invited the kids to dress up, and I apologize for not getting pics of the other kids in attendance- my dad was in charge of my camera since I was going in a million directions.  Evan didn't make it into his costume since he woke from his nap at the beginning of the party and needed to eat.  An hour later a bottle, and we just never made it back upstairs to change.  I'll be sure to post pics of him in his monkey costume though, rest assured! ;)

This would be Justin cranking the tail of The Cat in the Hat.  He is such a little character in or out of costume. :)

We opened presents first and of course it was all about the tissue paper.  I believe I have my idea for our Christmas card photo this year.

Next, on to cake.  I was so relieved with how well the cakes turned out- we've had a catastrophe or two in the past. ;)  I do enjoy making special themed cakes for the kids even if I'm far from professional.  Sometime in the future I'd love to take a cake decorating class.

Evan wasn't a real fan of his cake.  I admit I was relieved since he really isn't ready to eat it anyway.  We are still working on different textures and Evan is still learning how to chew properly.  This was his first taste of refined sugar!  Not too impressed, but it was fun to play with for a little while.

And lastly, I shot a few photos out in the yard on Friday since I was unhappy with the portraits we had taken at Sears.  I think these turned out much better. ;) I call these "the many faces of Evan."

And on a side note: please keep Evan in your thoughts this week as he will be having some minor surgery on Friday.  We are praying he stays healthy so the surgery can go as scheduled- two different doctors will be working on him so it took a bit of work to get their schedules coordinated.  Evan has an undescended testicle which needs to come down, and an inguinal hernia which often goes with the testicle issue.  While he is under anesthesia, the ENT will be there to thoroughly clean his ears and determine if he has fluid in his ears requiring tubes to be placed.  

Evan has had a few hearing tests as it is recommended for kids with Down syndrome to have their hearing checked every 6 months to a year.  Kids with designer genes are more prone to hearing impairments, and tend to have very narrow ear canals which can lead to fluid as well as chronic ear infections.  Evan has been fortunate in this area as he has not had any ear infections to date (knock on wood).  But a few of the tests did indicate he has fluid.  The ENT is not convinced the tests were accurate though, due to his extremely narrow ear canals combined with an increased amount of ear wax.  So after clearing all the wax while Evan is under anesthesia, the doctor will have a much better look at Evan's ear drums and will be able to see if there is indeed fluid or not.  If there is, tubes will be placed on the spot while he is still under. 

I was very happy to be able to coordinate these procedures together so Evan would only have to go under anesthesia once.  That pesky but perky extra chromosome can sometimes make anesthesia more of a challenge.  Anesthesia medications are often metabolized faster in a person with DS, requiring close monitoring and sometimes higher doses.  Breathing and heart rate can be affected also- airways are often smaller or at a different angle on a person with DS.  Thankfully, Evan will be in very good, experienced hands at the University of Maryland pediatric surgery center.  This team of anesthesiologists are quite familiar with all these possible challenges.  I will speak with them sometime this week prior to surgery and go down my laundry list of questions, mostly for my own personal reassurance.  I thank you in advance for all your thoughts and prayers.

This is the day....

I woke up this morning with the song, "This is the day that the Lord has made" going through my head- you know, that song kids usually learn in Sunday School.  Today is my baby boy's first birthday and my first thought to myself was, Wow, this is the day!  And then the song came.  I can not believe it has been an entire year since the day my world was turned upside down, inside out, and everything in between.

Anytime one of my kids has a birthday, I always seem to go back to the day of their birth, as I'm sure many moms do.  Reliving everything from perhaps feeling those first pains and wondering if they were the real deal, getting to the hospital and praying they let you stay this time since the first two times were embarrassing false alarms... and then the fears.  It's amazing how you remember every little detail.  I can't remember every detail of my wedding day, but I certainly can remember the details of each day I gave birth.  Each of my birth stories are so different and unique, as well as the emotions I experienced when each precious child arrived, but each involved a certain degree of fear.

With Kaylin, I didn't have much time to experience fear.  I had been laboring all day; Pitocin and a failed epidural do not make a good combination.  I was completely exhausted, in excruciating pain, and just wanted her OUT- no energy to feel worry or fear about the pending emergency C-section.  The only fear I did have was during surgery when I had the sudden feeling like I couldn't breathe.  Apparently, getting a spinal on top of all the failed medications pumped into me REALLY numbed me, including my diaphragm, so I couldn't feel myself breathing.  That was the scariest part of her birth.  Not too bad, right?

Then there was Justin.  Oh, how could I ever forget a moment of that dreadful day when I learned I was in premature labor at just 31 weeks.  I didn't realize what I was feeling were actual contractions until I went to the hospital "just to be safe."  Never thought I'd hear the words "four to five centimeters" or "helicopter"  from the house doctor.  Everything I felt for the rest of that day was pure fear.  We'll do much more reminiscing on that whole experience when it's Justin's birthday. ;)

And last but certainly not least, my Evan.  I was so thrilled to make it to 38 weeks since the risk for having a premature birth increases when you've already had one.  In my mind it would be smooth sailing- I would deliver at our local hospital as I had with Kaylin, Evan would room with me since he made it to term, I would have a wonderful nursing bond with him, and he would be able to come home with me.  Well, at least I got one out of the four, right?

32 weeks pregnant

It was about 2:00 AM on Thursday, October 29th, 2009, and I woke up feeling contractions.  I had gone to the hospital twice before, thinking my water broke or I was in labor, so I didn't want to face the same humiliation again of having another false alarm with this pregnancy.  I was so nervous about going into labor since Evan had to be another C-section.  Both Kaylin and Justin were born via emergency C-section, and after you've had two it's no longer safe to try for a vaginal birth.

I start timing.  I laid in bed for an hour, staring at the clock as I felt each wave come and go.  Contractions were about 6 minutes apart for the entire hour.  Since Mom was our go to person to stay with the kids when I went to the hospital, I called her to come over since she has an hour drive.  I continue timing contractions, anywhere between 4-6 minutes apart, and call my doctor to let him know I'll be going to the hospital.  By the time my mother arrived, my contractions felt like they stopped!  NOOOOOOO!!!!!  I was determined to have this baby TODAY- no more false alarms, no more back aches and pains, no more restless nights.  Mom stayed at the house while the kids continued to sleep, and Mike drove me to the hospital.  Thankfully, when they hooked me up to the monitors, the contractions still appeared to be in a regular pattern.  Whew!  The doctor comes in to examine me.... I'm only 2 cm.  Please don't make me go back home!  The nurse commented that it had been pretty busy there and they wouldn't keep me unless I was truly in labor.  This process was so frustrating, knowing I had to have a C-section anyway.  My section was scheduled for Monday, November 2nd- just a few short days away.  The house doctor consulted with my OB, who decided to check again in an hour- if I progressed to 3 cm they would go ahead and do the C-section since I wouldn't make it until Monday.

That hour crept by so slowly, but contractions continued to build, giving me hope that this really could be the day.  Finally the house doctor came back in to examine me.  "You're now 3 cm.  I'll go call your doctor."  Hallelujah!!

Anesthesiology comes in to ask their questions, the nurse does more preparations, and back I go to the operating room.  Now from my personal experience, it seems they keep these operating rooms at about 50 degrees.  It is FREEZING in there... I'm shivering, partially due to nerves, trying to hold still as they give me the spinal.  Once I laid down on the table, the worrying set in.  I don't know why I had this extreme worry all of a sudden- I'm wondering if it's simply because I had time to think this time around?  The other two births were rushed and I barely had time to collect my thoughts, let alone worry about the what if's.  Everyone is cool and calm (emphasis on cool due to the flippin COLD temperature), taking their time, having casual conversation as they prepare for surgery.  I'm thinking just hurry up and get him out so I know everything is ok.  I don't know why I kept worrying....

Finally, the moment is here.  8:26 AM Evan makes his arrival with the help of Dr. Yeshnik.  Evan cries, but it's very gurgly.  Lots of fluid in his lungs.  I can hear the pediatrician suctioning as Evan tries to clear it.  They move him down to the Special Care Nursery where they can tend to him better.  This didn't worry me much- I was glad he was out and doing ok.  The Special Care Nursery is a piece of cake compared to the NICU where Justin resided for his first 65 days of life.

Dr. Yeshnik finishes my surgery and I'm moved down to the recovery room.  I send Mike down to check on Evan in the nursery.  A few moments later, Dr. Yeshnik pops back in the room.  "I just wanted to let you know the pediatrician pulled me aside and mentioned possible Down syndrome.  They are going to do a chest x-ray and an ultrasound of the heart to rule out any congenital heart defects.  He will talk to you more about it."

Right then and there, the fears hit me like a ton of bricks.  This can't be happening.  I prayed and pleaded to God to please not let him have Down syndrome.  I figured the heart could be fixed, but Down syndrome can not.  What would our future be like?  Would he be dependent on us for the rest of our lives?  Suddenly, I felt so alone.  What is taking Mike so long down there.  I need him.... now more than ever.  Wait a minute... how is Mike going to handle this news??  He doesn't handle stress all that well- this is huge.  Will he accept a child with Down syndrome?  Will he love Evan as he loves our other children?

After speaking with Dr. Wack, the wonderful pediatrician, our minds were much more at ease.  After holding Evan in my arms, I was madly in love.  After bringing Evan home from the hospital a week later, life was good.  Crazy busy, but good.

Let's go back to Mike.  Words can not express how wonderful he was through all of this.  I don't know if he was holding it together for my sake, but he never once showed any sadness or anger about Evan's diagnosis.  He accepted it like a grain of salt and he was my rock.  If he could handle this, I knew I could, too.

Looking back at those raw emotions, I wish I could go back in time and reassure this scared and worried mother that everything would be alright.  Her child would bring just as much love and joy as any other.  I'd tell her that her fears and worries are mostly selfish ones.  I'd tell her not to feel bitter and jealous of the other moms who just gave birth.  Those walks down to the Special Care Nursery several times a day were difficult, hearing the newborn cries coming from each hospital room, remembering how nice it was having Kaylin in my own hospital room, sleeping by my side, nursing her whenever she cried.  Instead, I trudged down to the nursery, bringing expressed milk since Evan was unable to nurse efficiently.  I stayed down there as long as I could stay awake to hold him.  The more time I spent holding him, the more my worries melted away.  As long as he was in my arms, everything in the world was right.

If I could go back in time, I'd hold that mother in my arms and sing to her, "This is the day that the Lord has made!  We shall rejoice and be glad in it!" with just as much enthusiasm as I once sang it in Sunday School as a child, but with the knowledge I have today, knowing what a huge blessing Evan is and will continue to be throughout our lives.  Happy 1st Birthday, my precious Evan.  Mommy loves you SO much and can't imagine life without you.